The F Word

28 05 2007

Mahilig sa kahayupan ang boss ko. Katunayan, nag-email kanina. Ang sabi: I have chicken fox. I will not be in the office in the next week. Di ko alam kung saang lupalop nakuha ni boss Gardo ang pagpapalit ng p saka f. Hindi cool pakinggan. Minsan pag nagpe-present pa ‘yun sa mga executive meeting, tinatakpan ko na lang ‘yung mata ko sa hiya. Sabay yabang pa niya ng ”This is how to pofulate the database” instead na populate. Kung pwede lang i-disown ang boss eh, matagal ko nang ginawa.

Diverse ang workforce sa opisina. Considering that we are all 11,000 employees and coming from different parts of the country we have to contend with the language barrier since there are eleven major languages plus 87 dialects. Although eight of the major languages in the country are of Malay-Polynesian origin, none of which are mutually exclusive. May kanya-kanyang difference pa rin sa phonetics and twang which other people in different language group would consider as a defect. Halimbawa nito ay ang nawawalang ‘h’ sa mga Kapampangan at ang pagsasabi ng mga taga-Laguna ng ‘Aba’y di naman naulan’ na para sa iba ay dapat sinasabi ng ‘Di naman umulan’. Kaya nga kung minsan pinipilit kong masanay ang aking tenga pag nag-oorder si boss ng supdrenk saka litsi plan during our 3 pm break.

Nung bagu-bago pa ako, pina-research sa akin kung paano mag-ferform testing. Madapacking sheet, ginoogle ko na ang buong wikipedia saka webster di ko makita kung ano ibig nyang sabihin. Di ko naman maitanong kung ano ’yun kasi 3 hours dapat ang severity bago i-escalate ang problema. Anak ng baog na tinapa, performance testing lang pala gusto nyang sabihin, pinahirapan pa ako. On the other hand, okay din ang pagpapalit ni boss ng p saka f dahil pag pressured at napapamura ng pack you saka fotang ina, hinde masakit sa loob. May extra cushion sa tenga kumbaga. Amf naman ang may class na pagmura from the original ampota.

At kahit naman may mood swing palagi ‘yun saka kalalaking tao e parang nireregla ng tabo tabo kung magalit, okay na din dahil pag ako naman ang nabadtrip e tumitiklop din. Siya lang ‘yung boss ko na pag problematique ako e pede kong tawagin sa inuman. Nakikinig din sa aking ’this is a cruel world’ litany pag ako’y outside d kulambo. Mas mahirap yata mag-manage ng sutil na empleyado kaysa makisama sa sutil na boss. Bilib pa rin ako dun dahil baka nga pag boss na ako at inangasan ako ng isang empleyado ko, malamang walang sabi sabi na ibibitin ko na lang ng patiwarik, tutuhugin ko ang kanyang yagbols sabay ihaw at ipapakain ko sa kanya longganisa-style. My bad.

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You Are What Your Bedtime Manners Are

21 05 2007

Sanay akong matulog na naka-dekwatro habang hinihigan ng ulo ang dalawang palad.  Parang nagpapa-aircon ng kili-kili sabi ni BebeKo.  Lakas mang-asar nun.   Dagdagan na lang daw ng konting armpit hairs, pekpek na pekpek na daw ang tambok ng kili-kili ko.  Samantalang nagigising ako nang  madaling araw, nakasiksik naman sa akin, sa kili-kili ko pa.  Enjoy na enjoy sa amoy.  Ha! Ha! Di ko alam kung kelan ako nagsimulang mahiga ng ganito.  Siguro nung panahong nagsasama na  kami.  Sabi ng BebeKo who is a psychologist by profession, sleeping positions reveal the personality of a person.  There are six (6) basic sleeping positions: 

1.  Parang Beybi.  Nakatagilid na parang fetus in a crouched position.  ‘Yung mga taong ganito matulog ay tough on the outside, pero shy and sensitive naman in the inside. 

2. Tuod Style.  Naka-outstretch ang paa na parang kahoy at ang arms ay nasa gilid lang ng katawan.   Ang mga taong ganito matulog ay sociable and easy-going.  They always want to be part of the ‘‘in’’ crowd.  Ayaw na ayaw nila ng naa-out of place. 

3.  Namamalimos. Pa-side matulog.  Naka-outstretch ang paa at ang dalawang kamay ay naka-stretch na parang namamalimos.  Ganito matulog ang mga taong very open ang nature, pero suspicious sa iba. 

4.  Sundalong Kanin.  Flat ang pagkakadaupang ng likod ng katawan sa higaan.  Arms on the side.  Ang mga taong natutulog na parang sundalo ay mga tahimik at reserved.  They have a very high standards.   

5.  Tulog pa-Aircon ng Kili-Kili.  Naka-stretch ang paa kala mo sa kanya ang buong higaan.  Ang dalawang palad ay nasa gilid ng ulo o kaya’y hinihigan.  Ito ang sleeping position ng mga may pagkamahangin saka gregarious.  (Yehey!  Di naman sinabing ganito matulog ang mga malilibog).  They are sociable and bold but they don’t like criticisms. 

6.  Buyangyang na Tulog.  Kung ang No. 5 ay kala mo sa kanya ang buong higaan, ito naman kala mo pag-aari nya ang buong universe.  Walang pakelam kung anong position nakahilata.  Free form ika nga.  Ang mga natutulog ng pabuyangyang ay ang mga taong good listeners saka madaling makagaanan ng loob.  Beri prenli.   

Not necessarily na isang position lang ang tulog mo.  You can be a combination of any of the six basic positions.  Pero once na nasanay ka na sa ganung position ng pagtulog, you rarely change it.  It’s like a hard habit to break.

  sleeping position





Something Reminds Me of Home

15 05 2007

Bertdey ng kuya ni Beatriz’ So (‘yung Pinoy Big Bro Season2 housemate) kaya may lasingan sa labas ng bahay.  Katapat lang ng apartment namin ‘yung tinitirhan nila.  Hindi sa gusto kong makalibre ng Bicol express pulutan pero naisip kong mas nakakaluwag ng loob makipagkuwentuhan sa mga sunog baga sa ‘min kaysa kausapin ‘yung psychologist namin sa kumpanya.  Mas mahal ang makipag-usap sa propesyunal na psyhologist kaya sa mga lasenggerong kaibigan.  Ayos naman pamilya saka kamag-anak ni Bea pero mukhang apektado sila sa ‘sabong’ na nangyayari sa loob ng Big Brother House.  Oo, ‘yung away nina Bea saka Maricruz isang linggo na ang nakakalipas.  Di ko alam kung ano ‘yung gulo pero may nasabing tungkol sa ‘we all have our dark sides’.  Sigurado akong hindi ‘yung kili-kili ko ang tinutukoy nila.  May ‘dark side’ din ako lalo na pag pamilya ko na din ang nadadamay.  Minsan sa grocery sa Festival Mall, may lalaking may nang-agaw kay BebeKo ng grocery kart.  Anlaking mama tapos aagawan lang ‘yung patpatin kong maybahay ng ganun ganun na lang?  Binangga ko ‘yung lalaki.  Sinabihan ng salitang di kayang lunukin kahit ng aso.  Kailangang turuan ng leksiyon ang mga taong makakalimutin magdala ng kanilang ‘manners’ na malamang ay naiwan nila sa higaan nila. 

Alam kong ganyan ka din sa pamilya mo.  Ganyan naman tayong mga Pinoy sa pamilya natin.  Laban kung laban.  

Hindi pa rin ako sigurado kung ano pinag-awayan nila kaya wala akong ibang nasabi sa pamilya ni Bea kundi, ‘ayos si Bea’.  Kumbinsido naman sila.  Mamya pa lipat kami ng lugar ng pinag-iinuman sa may malapit sa manggahan.  Bigla kong naalala ‘yung sa probinsiya namin.  Ganitong ganito din ang setting.  Parang di nga rin ako lumayo sa probinsiya namin.  

Umuwi nako bago pa ang aking ‘curfew’.  Lasing na ‘ko kaya nahulog ako sa higaan.  Pero suspetsa ko talaga, sinipa ako ni BebeKo sa leeg kaya ako nahulog ng higaan.  Nagkaroon tuloy ako ng ‘dislocation’ sa may bandang shoulder blade.  Hanggang ngayon, ayaw niyang umamin. 

Mga alas kwatro na ng madaling araw, may narinig kaming nagkakabasagan ng bote ng beer at meron nang nagsisigawan at nagbabantaan ng buhay.  Naisip ko, parang wala ding pinagkaiba sa probinsiyang pinanggalingan ko.





Spider Man 3: Penis Innuendos and Kissing Scene on the Flipside

11 05 2007

Spider Man 3 is just like 1 and 2 made longer.  When I saw Sam Raimi’s name flashed onscreen as director of the last of his trilogy, I dreaded he may not be able to pull it again.  I was wrong.  Though the guy is crazy, he managed to place all the chaos in the storyline in its order.   

Parker struggles with his own demons with the coming of the black Spider suit.  Except for his unintentional slapping of MJ, I think Parker is cooler with his dark suit on.  He does John Travolta Saturday night fever moves, smacks the hideous photographer Eddie Brock, kills the Sandman, and puts Osborn on fire for being a cry-baby.  That’s what superhero is all about right?, killing bad people and whiners.   

The usual Raimi signatures are evident in the movie.  All his characters are always a bunch of physical imperfections.  I guess he puts character in the characters by distorting the physical.  The police, Osborn’s butler, Parker’s dorm manager, Flint Marko, hell everyone looks dysfunctional here except for newcomer Bryce Dallas Howard (from M.Night Shyamalan’s Lady in the Water) who’s role is to wear a smile and kiss Spiderman on the flipside.  If dating someone who looks like a fairy is normal to you, she passes up as the only normal character here.  The daughter of Parker’s dorm manager looks like an ambassador of malnutrition with the gaunt.  Parker’s usual big bug eye and MJ’s a little protruded lateral incisors are a feast to Sam Raimi’s fetishes.  Even Harry Osborn did not escape to Raimi’s god complex with his left face burned and frittered. 

Raimi also tries his ‘Three Stooges’ comedy antics in a scene where Parker is supposed to propose to MJ in the restaurant.  The restaurateur keeps on calling him ‘Pecker’ which drives the audience to laughter.  Very ‘Three Stooges’. 

The Spiderman creator has his cameo appearance in the movie (the scene before Parker is given the symbolic key to New York city).  How do I know?  I don’t.  If you place a bunch of intellectual twerps inside a movie theater, you overhear pop trivias like this from everywhere.  MyCompany paid the 6:30 – 10:00 pm block of Greenbelt 3 for the exclusive screening of its pa-pampam overly-intelligent employees.  And it’s a heaven when every moviegoer gets the punchline and laughing in unison.  You don’t always experience that in a movie theater.  Sometimes people laugh because others are laughing. 

There are two important lessons here.  One, even superheroes need emotional validation (Parker is always in his ‘O everyone loves me? Everyone loves me!’ self-reassurance).  And two, ‘To be a husband, you have to put your wife first in everything you do’. No, there’s no ‘Great power comes great responsibility’ sound byte here.  If you ask how does ‘To be a husband, you have to put your wife first’ fit in a spider movie?  I don’t know.  It’s just there.  You don’t believe me ?  Go watch the movie and find out yourselves.  Moron.





Postcard to Heaven

6 05 2007

Hi Pa,  

I’m scared as hell.  After the holdup suspense thriller inside the bus I experienced last week, it’s only tonight I have the realization that I could have been possibly blown off into smithereens with the rest of the passengers and the bus.  The holduppers were armed with caliber 45 and two hand grenades.  I see hatred and desperation painted all over their faces.  If this is post traumatic symptoms, I don’t know.  One guy aimed his pistol right into my face, point blank, thinking I was some big time bank executive who happened to leave his car from home because it’s flat and rode the bus to work.  Too much porma can kill.  He was ready to pull the trigger anytime I resist or twitch a finger.   

For the past days, I have been shrugging off the experience, even trying to make fun of it like telling how my co-passengers were singing some Brader Mike Velarde anthems.  My decision to work here in Manila could have cost me my life. 

At one AM, I called kuya bong on the phone.  He was obviously in his REM.  He asked me if I’m okay.  Hearing his obviously drunk voice was enough to calm me.  Next to you of course, I just wish he was here with me.  I told him I’m good which is half the truth.  I’m living in this big bad city and at any moment, I’m dead meat here and nobody would know, only until they get to see me on TV Patrol or Saksi as the guy floating by the river or one helpless soul with his lung ripped in the dark alleys of Manila.  If that wasn’t a scary thought, I don’t know what is.   

I thought I would be seeing you any moment.  I hope you really are in heaven because it’s more depressing thought that you ain’t there at all.  I miss you a lot these days.  Mommy misses you too.  You haven’t been showing up in my dreams lately.  I sorely miss our conversations.  Always be pogi up there, so that when we see each other, I can be proud that I am your son.   

P.S. Don’t flirt with the angels.  They don’t have vaginas.





Devils Exist, Whether You Believe Or Not

3 05 2007

Naholdap ako today.  Madapacking sheet, the thing my barkada and I have been trying to avoid just happened.  I was on an aircon bus en route Makati via SLEX.  Di ko pa pinansin nung sumigaw si Manong Holdaper ng ‘Huldap etu’, serious pala.  ’Kala ko alagad lang ni Brader Mike Velarde o kelangan ng love offering. Tatlo silang lahat, ’yung dalawa naka-hand grenade saka ’yung mukhang kupal na lider may caliber 45.  Nakuha ’yung Nokia cellphone ko.  Patay, andami ko pa namang butt-naked photos saka different angle shots ng etits ko dun baka i-post sa internet ng mga gago.  Nakipag-negotiate pa ako kung pwede kunin ’yung sim saka memory card, inangasan pa ako.  Tanginix talaga. 

This is the time when you do nothing but close your eyes.  Trains of thought came rushing in.  ‘Yung pagiging kupal ko during college…  Kung bakit pumunta punta pa ko dito sa Manila… Si BebeKo… ‘Yung church wedding ko sa December 8, pano na…  Nilapitan ulit ako ni Hand Grenade Boy, pinapalabas lahat ng gamit ko.  Tinutok ’yung baril.  Sabi ko wala na.  Natira na lang ’yung packed lunch kong ginataang tilapia.  Kung gusto nilang bitbitin okay lang.  Kunyari ko lang ‘yun pero ‘yung wallet ko naitabi ko sa ilalim ng passengers’ seat.  Convinced naman si gago.  Saka sabi din ni Kumander Holdaper, okay na, naibigay ko na daw lahat sa kanya, ambilis ko nga daw magbigay parang taga air force.  Di ko tuloy alam kung matutuwa ako sa compliment ni gago.   

The experience was dizzying.  Hyperventilate ako (sakit ’yun ng mga rich-looking saka maporma), nagsuka ako sa bus.  The breakfast noodles MayBebeKo prepared for me came shooting out of my nose.  Sayang, imported pa naman brand.  Thoughtful din naman ang mga gagong holdaper kasi sabi dun sa chik na katabi ko tulungan daw ako mahimasmasan.  Naisip ko kung sinukahan ko na lang kaya ‘yung mga holdaper, baka sakaling mandiri saka magtatatakbo.  (Kung anu-ano naiisip ko).   

Point to point na pala ang uso ngayon sa holdapan.  Kung dati dun sa Holdap Highway lang – from SM Fairview to Bagong Silang which is the north side, ngayon mula biyaheng Laguna going SM Makati ang puntirya ng mga holdapers.  Sa may parteng Guadalupe na bumaba ang tatlo.  Di nga nakapalag ‘yung dalawang pasaherong pulis.  ’Yung isa pinosasan, tapos ’yung kalbo nakuha ’yung dalawang baril.  Okay na din ’yun, baka kasi mas may nadamay pa kung pumorma sila.  Otherwise, I am six feet below the ground by now.  And all my years of sacrifices gone to waste.  

The bus proceeded to Camp Crame in Quezon City after the incident.  The incident has to be reported.  Just another case to be added to the increasing crime index statistics of Manila.