Crazy People Don’t Know That They Are Crazy

25 06 2007

Madaling ma-stress out ang babae in terms of relationship issues.  Sinugod kasi sa bahay si BebeKo kagabi ng isang babaeng may sayad at hindi niya alam na may sayad.  Convincing kasi ‘yung babae.  Asawa daw niya ako at matagal na niya akong pinaghahanap.  Kung saan saan na siyang lupalop napadpad sa kahahanap sa akin.  May kasama pang galit galit epeks sa harap ng mala-diyosa kong asawa at sinabing ilabas daw ako.  Hayblad si BebeKo, nawala ang pagiging psychologist, kaya nilabas naman ‘yung kitchen knife saka chopping board, balak yatang gawing sizzling adobo chunks ‘yung claimant.  Turns out, may tililing ‘yung babae, naisip ko baka napagtripan siguro ng mga sunog baga boys sa kanto na ako ang itinuro.  Tapos na ang gulo at explanations pero nahirapan pa rin akong lambingin si BebeKo.  Outside the kulambo na naman.

Hindi na bago sa akin ang mga taong maluluwang ang turnilyo.  All through out our lives with MyBebe, napapaligiran na kami ng mga ‘yan.  Sa mental hospital ang apprenticeship ni BebeKo nung college.  Kakaiba nga panliligaw ko kasi pag nagka-cutting class ako, tinutulungan ko siya na magpakain ng mga pasyente.  Sa paliligo, nakikita ko na de tabo ang pagpapaligo pero dun sa mga silent aggressive types, binubuksan yung garden hose saka itinututok na lang.  Sabay na ring malilinisan ‘yung kulungan nila.  Two in one.  Tawag nila sa akin noon ay Dadi Cesar Montano at si BebeKo ay si Charlene Gonzales.  [Minsan lang magsabi ng totoo ang mga baliw kaya pagbigyan niyo na ako].  Nagpapakyut pa lang ako nun, karibal ko na sa atensiyon ang mga baliw.  Meron ’yung nagpapakyut ako kay BebeKo,  biglang agaw eksena ‘yung isang baliw tapos pinakita ‘yung titi niya tapos nagtikol pa sa harapan  namin.  Bad trip talaga.  Madapacking sheet, kung di ka ba naman magulat sa ganun, pero si BebeKo sanay na.  Sa psychology, huwag daw kutyain o kagalitan agad.  To do that  can be more damaging to their self image.  Self image?  E kung matamaan ang mata ko sa pagpusitsit ng sperm nung gagong ’yun, mabulag pa ako.  Pero dapat daw pinagsasabihan na lang  din na parang normal na tao. 

Naisip ko tuloy kung paano ko ipe-phrase ’yung sasabihin.  “Okay, puwede bang pagkatapos mong magsalsal diyan, umalis ka na sa harapan namin?”. 

Minsan naman, hiningan ako ng barya nung isa, toll gate daw.  Binigyan ko naman.  Malay ko bang lulunukin nung tarantadong ’yun. [Hehe!  Nakaganti rin ako].   Binabawi ko sabi niya di na daw pwede.  Bangko daw siya, hintayin ko na lang daw magkainteres.  

 Before, pag namamasyal naman kami sa public places, naaawa si BebeKo sa mga baliw kaya binibigyan niya ng pagkain.  Okay lang ’yun, ang ayaw ko lang ’yung niyayakap pa niya. Nagsasalubong kilay ko lalo na pag ako’y under matapobre-mode.  Kulang na lang dalhin niya sa salon tapos ipa-relax pa ’yung buhok saka ipa-pedicure ang paa.   Ipinapaunawa naman niya sa akin na walang gamot ang pagkabaliw dahil hindi organic ‘yung cause ng pagkabaliw.  The only thing she could do is give them love and care to bring them back to their senses.    Iniisip ko na nga rin minsan, kaya niya lang siguro ako ginusto ay dahil may pagka-sira ulo din ako [self-pity na ‘to].  Though she assures me, “Be, kung natanggap ko ‘yung pagiging malikot mo, ‘yun pa kayang pagiging sira ang ulo mo”.  Sabay kurot sa tagiliran.  Ayos.  Balik na naman sa kwarto ito. 


Father’s Day Greetings From Planet Earth

17 06 2007

Hi Pa, 

It’s Sunday morning and I’m here at the cemetery sitting right at your tomb.    I’m  downing the last bottle of cold Red Horse beer straight into my veins.  Too bad, you can’t have some. How long have you been down there?  Ten years?  Man, you must be a fertilizer now.  I’m lost in time and for me it’s like only yesterday.  I am used to having you around and I haven’t moved on since.  But now,  I am visiting you for the last time, talk of the things we haven’t said and talk about all the promises unspoken.  I think it’s time for me to move on. 

Remember the time I was a young kid and you used to carry me at your back on our way home after watching movies with Mommy?  That’s the best childhood memory stuck in my mind.  The memory lives in here [pointing at my chest].  And I couldn’t help bragging to my siblings that I was your favorite though it’s supposed to be our secret.  And remember the time you were accompanying me to the bus to school?  You were gripping me hard like I wouldn’t return home. I had to tell you that you were crushing my hands.  Now I’m missing the man with those rough hands and gentle eyes. 

I was in third year high school when we had the news from home.  When I came home, Mommy was already crying.  You were battling against your heart problem and your last bout to life was painful to recall.  Mommy said you were calling my name before you let go your last gasp of breath.  You died wanting to see me.  I was late.  I’m sorry. 

If only I know what I had known now, I would have been more grateful to you.  I would have gone home when you were sick.  I would have not ignored the wisdom of your thoughts.  I would have responded yes when you asked me to take care of my younger siblings when you get older.  I would have loved you more.  I would have asked less. 

There are still many things left unsaid.  I want to tell you that I am making good money now as a software engineer in a big, big company.  I am also sending bunso Angelie to college.  She wants to be a nurse.  On Saturdays, I teach.  I teach my students about computer, life-in-general-like-the-ones-you’ve-taught-me, and some corny jokes.  Computer by the way is that tv-shaped monitor with a typewriter connected to it.  And no, I’m not a secretary.    

Soon, I would have a family of my own and I would raise my children the way you did.  I would carry my kids at my back when we go home after watching movies.  I would walk them to the beach and watch the sun bow on our feet.  We would play in the rain and chase the pot at the end of the rainbow.  We would gaze the stars and weave all the dreams.   Pa, you know you’re not the best father in the world, but hell I care.  For all the love, you are missed in this lifetime.  Happy Father’s Day and Happy Birthday! 

Go Forth and Fuck Thou

12 06 2007

Pinoys are religious people.  My mother and father are devout Catholics they took the commandment of papa Jesus ‘to go forth and multiply’ seriously and created a ‘super big family’.  With our number, we’re more than a family, we’re more like a tribu timbuktu.  We are seventeen siblings in all and in cases of newly-discovered ‘kapatid sa labas’, we’re still counting.  Papa Manolo already had six children when he met my mom, who also had five children from two fathers that time.  They lived together and decided to add four more – me, the twin and the youngest. 

We lived in a bahay kubo.  To have things organized, every pair had their own room, imagine a bahay kubo appended with a room, and another room and another room, it’s a compartmentalized train house.  

Four of my siblings in the motherside are half-Chinese and the other one is half-Irish (his father’s side are proud successors of the Bracken clan of which Josephine Bracken is related).  My siblings in the father side have Indon roots.  I am full blood Filipino but my eyes look like a slit, which makes me look more like a Vietcong.  The twins have long eye lashes, hairy manes and tiny hairs in the arms which are Spanish features. That leaves our youngest sister to be the only true blue Pinoy – raven curly hairs, petite size and brown complexion.  Hell no, she’s no brown. She’s dark, very very dark.  Okay, she’s Ita.  But she’s the beloved exotic sibling in the family.  Though we’re worried she’s so dark, nobody would marry her.  Hahaha! 

When it’s time for all of us to eat, we don’t look like a family.  We look like random people in the United Nations having a lunch meeting.  But despite the kookiness of my family structure, we have grown to love and be at each other’s side.  There are occasions when one would threaten the other with a smoking hot flat iron or pull each other’s hairs in the banyo (I was a kid and I was enjoying watching them like watching TNA Explosion or Wrestling Mania).  But of course, those were isolated occasions.  Any mention of ‘half-blood’ or step-something in the family is forbidden, else you get kooky exercises like lifting hard bound books in open arms while kneeling on green mungo. 

My siblings on both sides are smart.  In elementary and high school, they would sweep all the first and second honors and mom could not be more than proud to be always coming back the stage.  Only ate Leticia is the unfortunate ‘family goat’.  She blames being breastfed by the neighbor for not being as smart as the others.  The other siblings would assure her it’s okay, at least she gets the ‘Most Behaved’ ribbon (she’s silent all through out the class recitation)  or ‘Girl Scout of the Year’ (well, because mom donated pad locks to the school).   

I was in grade school when I learned about a boy with the same name as mine and we’re both Jr.  Yeah, what do you expect, father was again a generous donor of his sperm to another woman, and he just named the boy in my honor.  So now I have a clone, he’s now a nurse by the way.  We never got mad, we’d gotten used to it.  And for the final count of 17, father and mother adopted a boy in the kindergarten.  I thought father bought him so I have a toy, I kinda get used of smacking his head when I’m happy.  Maybe the reason why he ran away.  Bro, if you happen to be reading this, go home.  We miss you.  I won’t play Russian roulette with you anymore…  Pramis.

Shrek Is A Pinoy Mongoloid

4 06 2007

Masarap din pala ang lasa ng ‘McShrek’, ‘yung royal ChickenNugget meal ng Mcdo.  Nung una, medyo pakipot pa akong tikman.  Kulay uhog kasi ‘yung mustard dip saka ‘yung bubble gum float  parang blue dye na nilalagay kapag may beke ka.  In perness, masarap ‘yung uhog maasim-asim at ‘yung float drink, lasang mouthwash parang katatapos mo pa lang magpalinis ng ipin.  The fears are all in the mind.  Sabay nood na rin ng  Shrek The Third sa Festival Mall kasama si BebeKo.  Pagpasok ko pa lang, sinalubong na ako ng smart ass chick na taga-punit ng ticket.  ‘Shrek?’, tanong sa akin na sinagot ko agad ng ‘Yes’.  Hagikhik si BebeKo.  ’Si Shrek ka daw’.  Bagal ko talaga pumik-ap ng humor, naisahan tuloy ako.  The airconditioning inside is friggin’ cold enough, pampatibay ng relasyong mag-asawa. 

Shrek The Third is the final installment of the story of a green ogre living in a swamp disturbed by fairy tale characters which King Farquaad drove off from the kingdom.  The last of the trilogy opens with the death of the frog king aka Shrek’s dad-in-law.  By default, Shrek is next in line to the throne.  Hesitant to be a king, he struggles to find young Arthur who is the other closest replacement to the throne being Princess Fiona’s cousin. Shrek The Third has come a long way from its prequels.  12 years after Dreamworks acquired this William Steig’s piece, it now boasts with the highest opening of an animated movie with $121 M gross.  Ito lang yata ang napanood kong Hollywood animation na ang bida ay mas masagwa pa sa almoranas ang itsura.  Alala ko tuloy nung nagsisimula pa lang si dadi Mike Enriquez bilang news anchor sa Saksi.  Tipong lalangawin ang news program pero ngayon unbeatable na sa rating.  Natuto ang mga tao na tumingin sa content rather than face value.  Remarkable din ang kanyang copyrighted line na ‘Mga kapusow esmyuski pow… hat – sing!’.  Yes my friends, pangit can also rule the world.   

Shrek by all standards is an anatomy of a pinoy man.  His nose could never rival the aquilinian nose of greek Gods, but still well-sculpted like an oversized kubrekama.  He attempts to smile innocently, but still looks like a manyak.  He feasts on bugs and insects like salagubang, tipaklong and alibangbang. Ha! Ha!  Very pinoy.   Shrek would never exchange his vermin-infested swamp to any other things in the world.  That’s the part I get misty-eyed, I remember my room in the prabins with its clutter and maggot-infested pizza bins.  Watching the movie was like watching ‘Reflections’ to me.   

Shrek though a family comedy has serious undertones.   Shrek struggles on the idea of becoming a family man.  Like a pinoy bachelor, he cannot be ready for that.  Parang ‘yung barkada kong si Reggie, ilang babae na ang kinabayo nun pero pag tatanungin mo kelan magse-settle down, bigla kang titignan ng catatonic look.  ‘Hindi pa ako ready, pre’.  Pre my ass.  Kung ilang babae na ang nabulag mo sa kawiwisik ng sperm, baka kulangin pa ang buhok ko sa kili-kili sa pagbilang. 

Shrek The Third features the voices of Mike Myers (Shrek), Cameron Diaz (Princes Fiona), Eddie Murphy (Donkey), Antonio Banderas (Puss in Boots) and Justin Timberlake (young King Arthur).